Wonderwall
by Summersetlights
Summary: Being someone's wonderwall is better than them just loving you.
1. Chapter 1

This is a two-shot...I'm sorry that this is choppy and that it sucks...but it's late and I'm high off of life! (I'm actually really tired) so tell me how much this sucked! ;)

Every Saturday night, he would arrive at her house drunk. She didn't have to sneak him in, considering that her parents were always gone. He would walk in giggling like a fool, telling jokes that didn't make sense. After an hour, the effects would wear off and he'd fall into her awaiting arms. Every saturday night she would smile, as his drunken flesh leaned into hers, because for once he needed her more than she needed him.

Clare would lay him down on her bed and tuck him in. It must sound weird, but she actually looked _forward_ to these moments. Eli would bite his lip and look up at her with his wide green eyes. He would smile slightly as she ran her fingers through his dark hair.

He told her stories of his childhood. She learned that he loved apples because at age four he would pick them with his mother.

He told her about his first rock concert with his dad and the feeling he got when he was there.

_"The rush was unbelievable!" He had said while strumming an air guitar, which caused her to giggle at his silliness._

He told Clare about everything, he laid his secrets out for her to see. She learned that he loved going into Yankee Candle because it reminded him of Julia, who always used to go in there and come out with at least five different candles.

Eli told her about his fears and dreams and doubts and worries. As pompous as he was, he was really a scared little boy who was in too deep.

_"What if I hurt you?"_

_"What if...you die...?"_

_"Someday you're going to find someone better than me."_

_"When will you realize that you deserve better?"_

_"Please don't find anyone better than me."_

_"God, I hate myself."_

She hated every doubt that came out of his mouth. In the beginning, she had tried to reassure him that all she wanted was him but he just ignored her. It was almost as if she wasn't there.

Clare would bring her computer chair over so that it was next to her bed. She'd always fall asleep there. She liked how peaceful he was when he slept, it was the side of him that she fell in love with.

Every Sunday morning, Clare would wake up to see a small post-it note laying on her already made bed.

_"Thank you"_

She would sigh and pick up the note, upset with herself that she once again missed him waking up. Every sunday morning, she would walk to her desk and open the drawer. Clare would add the to the pile of notes, each containing the same two words.

_Sometimes thank you isn't enough._

* * *

_Saturday (10:56pm)_

"I wish that you were Julia." He said, as his voice shook from sleepiness.

Clare had heard this line almost every Saturday night and she was still not used to it. Her heart would twist painfully around her lungs, making it difficult for her to breathe. She felt the tears prick at her eyes but she smiled, seeing as he was still looking at her. From the beginning of these Saturday nights she had promised herself that she would not break down in front of him.

She had never broken that promise and she wasn't going to break it now. So she did what she did every sixth day of the week.

She leaned down to his ear and whispered, "I wish I was Julia too."

He shook his head slightly and touched her cheek with his hand. His eyes closed and his hand slowly fell from her blushing cheek. When she was sure that he was sleeping, she slipped off the bed and walked into the bathroom.

Once the door was closed, Clare leaned against the bathroom door and slowly slid down. Her knees were shaking and stomach was quaking. She buried her head into her hands. Sobs shook through her small body.

_When had this become so hard? _

The more time that Clare was spending with Eli, the more of herself that she lost. She had given her heart to a boy that wanted her to be someone else. When Clare told him that she wanted to be Julia, she didn't mean that she wanted to be dead, she wanted to be Julia for _him. _Every time she looked at him she saw the sorrow and pain in his eyes from losing Julia. When you care for someone and love them, you would do anything to take away their pain, even if it means that you would be the one suffering.

She would always be his second choice, and surprisingly she was alright with that. Just as long as he was happy.

_On a bed of nails he makes me wait, and I wait without you._

* * *

He was a great boyfriend during the week, showering her with complements that made her heart flutter. He would kiss her as if she was fragile glass, as if she was beautiful and breakable. He _cared._They would have conversations with each other that only they could understand. They told each other everything under the sun and some. It was obvious that they absolutely adored each other. Hell, it was obvious that they were absolutely _in love_ with each other. The feeling that they got when they touched could compare to nothing else.

This was only during the week, though.

Eli liked people think that he was fine. He rarely showed his vulnerable side to anyone other than Clare, it scared him to do so. He knew that it killed her to see him drunk. He knew exactly what he said to her. He knew and he wish he didn't. Eli had always been the one to hurt the ones he loved. It was in his nature, in his being.

The more that Clare was good to him the more he hated her. Her kindness and love absolutely sickened him, he didn't deserve it. She was beautiful and stunning, everything that he wasn't. She was like the sun. Her rays of sunshine would shine down on him and he never had sunglasses. She was the ultraviolet rays and infared rays. She was the Earth and the stars and the moon. She was _everything_. Every _goddamn_ thing.

She made him feel _alive_, as if she was the only oxygen that he could breathe.

And that was bad. _Really_ bad.

Eli knew that once you depend on someone, the more you have to lose. Someday, someone or something will take away your oxygen and leave you with nothing but your rotting soul.

Dramatic? Yes. But true, very true. At least to Eli it was.

* * *

_Three Saturday's later (11:44pm)_

"She was beautiful. So incredibly beautiful. Her green eyes could make your heart skip a couple of beats."

Clare sat in her usual chair, next to the bed. She listened patiently as her boyfriend talked about his dead ex-girlfriend. It was times like this when she wondered if she would ever be enough for him. Would he ever look at her with infinite amount of love? Would he ever see her and only her? Was she wasting her time with a boy whose heart didn't belong with her?

"I wish that you were Julia."

_Yes. She was wasting her time. _

Clare smiled at the boy looking up at her. She excused herself to go to the bathroom and hurriedly ran to it. Once again, she cried as much as her soul could take. He would continue to bring her down...and she would let him.

_Love sucks._

* * *

Did Eli wish that Clare was Julia?

_No, not at all._

_Confused? I would be._

_"I wish that you were Julia."_

_What the hell?_

He wasn't exactly sure why he even said that to her. Maybe it was to make her distance herself from his troubled self. Yes, that's part of it but to be honest, he was putting his guilt on her. It was impressingly easy to give her all of is pain. It was in fact, too easy. Like, when you think you do a great job on a test. You're confident that you got a good grade. Though, you can't help but think that it was too easy, too simple.

At first, it was easy to give Clare all of his pain but now it was extremely difficult. Did she not understand that he heard her sobs behind the bathroom door, on those late saturday nights? Did she not know that before she exited the bathroom he would quickly wipe away his tears? Did she not understand the remorse that he had?

He wouldn't trade Clare for anything. Absolutely nothing.

Did Eli love Clare? Yes, more than anything. She was the cool breeze and the spring in his step. She was the advil to his life. She was the time that healed wounds. He would do anything for her. Jump in front of a train for her? No problem. Take a grenade for her? Easy. Eli would do anything for her.

But when you have a weight on your shoulders that's as heavy as his, you drown. When the weight is that heavy, you have to help yourself before anyone can fix you. And Eli didn't know the first thing as to how to help himself.

So he continued to hurt the only person in his life that he gave a damn about.

_Ironic, isn't it? To hurt the one you love..._

* * *

Wednesday(4:30pm)

They sat in the back of morty, in a rather passionate embrace. Their hands roamed and their bodies trembled. God, they could kiss each other forever. Just kissing was satisfying for them. Eli's cold hand slipped underneath her shirt, making her jump slightly at the coldness. He rubbed small smircle on the small of her back, making her shiver in pleasure. Clare whimpered slightly against his smirk and yanked at his dark locks. Eli bit down on her bottom lip, causing them to pant heavily. The pulled away from each other, grinning like lovestruck idiots. Clare's hand reached out to lightly touch his cheek.

"Eli...I...I love you." Clare stammered. Her face turned the color of a bright sunset. Eli's face broke into a grin, she was just too adorable. Eli put his hand out and put it under her chin to raise her face up. He leaned forward and lightly traced her lips with his tongue, before kissing her softly.

"I love you too, Julia." Ah. His face and body stilled, while his eyes widened.

_Julia._

_Julia._

_Julia._

_Fuck._

Clare's blue eyes went emotionless and still. She knew the drill.

_Don't let him see you cry._

She would never break her promise to herself. Even if it killed her.

**So...I have no idea why I wrote this. I'm sorry that it's so dark, though. I had family things happen this weekend and I'm a bit down, so that's why it's a bit heavy**

**Is it sad that I cry at Eli and Julia stories? XD I mean, seriously, I bawl at those stories. ...I'm a tad emotional, don't cha think? ;)**

**Oh! I have a new obsession(that's not Degrassi..I know...you're surprised) If you haven't, look up the show "Misfits" it's made in England so you can watch it on youtube or on their website if you live in the U.S, like me. It's absolutely amazing!**

**Ehhh...I think that's enough of my ranting...**

**P.S...I don't know when I'll have the second part of this up. With school and family I absolutely have no time. So I'll probably start working on it over the weekend.**

**...;)**


	2. Chapter 2

**_I don't really like this but I think this is as good as it's going to get...I'm sorry! Thank you for all the reveiws!_**

**_EclareTheLovers- I really liked your idea but at that time I already had this part almost done! So, I'm sorry.:) _**

_Friday(3:07pm)_

_Thump._

_Thump._

_Thump._

Clare was actually surprised at the sound of her heart. For some reason, she had thought that when the boy left he literaly took her heart with him. It sure felt like he did.

_Sometimes people go insane when their heart is broken..._

Eli hadn't showed up for school on Thursday or Friday, which irritated Clare. Shouldn't she be the one running from _him? _Shouldn't she be the one who ignored the calls and texts? Clare knew that he had a hard time of letting Julia go and she was alright with that, but she had reached her limit.

_You can only be hurt so many times before you crack._

* * *

_Fuck._

_Fuck._

_Fuck._

Eli stood in front of his mirror, looking at his ghostly reflection. He lifted his shirt up a little bit to see his stomach. His ribs were poking out dangerously, almost as if they were weapons. When Eli was under stress he didn't eat, which made him look like absolute shit.

It was a lose, lose situation.

She was beautiful and charming. She was amazing, so why did she keep on coming back to an asshole like him? He hurt her and she just charged right through it like a bull. Somehow, through it all, Clare's eyes still shined and glowed, like nothing had ever happened. She really did deserve the nickname "Saint Clare." She deserved to be _with_ a saint. Clare deserved to have a guy who will give her everything. Which, Eli could not do. He could barely take care of himself, so how was he supposed to give her anything?

Eli sighed and rubbed his eyes with his hand. Without looking at his reflection(He hated mirrors. They told the truth.) He went down his stairs and paused to look outside at the snow. As the fluffy snow fell, the children in his neighborhood played in it. Eli focused in on a little boy who was playing with his mom. The little boy kept on jumping in the big pile of white snow. Eli felt a slight ache as he watched the boy, for he knew that someday the little boy would grow up. Someday, the little boy would see the world for what it actually was. He wouldn't have his mom to protect him or the white fluffy snow to break his fall, all he would have was his knowledge of the world. And if he was lucky, he would have someone to help him up. Hopefully, the boy would be smart, unlike Eli, and he wouldn't push that someone away.

For the first time in Eli's life, he was actually jealous of Julia.

Death was a comforting thought.

So he took one more pill to block everything out.

* * *

Clare had no idea as to how she got to the park. She didn't remember walking out of her house. She didn't remember walking the four mile walk to the park...

_Maybe she was going insane..._

Big globs of white snow started to come down from the sky. Clare smiled, she loved snow. Slowly, one by one, little kids and their parents came out of their homes. They were all wrapped up in winter jackets and snow pants. Clare giggled as the little kids waddled into the snow. There was something innocent about little kids playing with snow, something pure about it.

She watched as the little kids interacted with their families. Salty tears started to come out of her eyes. She was once like these children, she once had hope in the world. She once believed everything that her parents said. The families looked happy. Why couldn't her family be happy? Why couldn't _she_ be happy? She remembered the feeling of playing in the snow with Darcy and then going inside house to drink hot chocolate. Darcy would crack jokes and both of her parents would laugh. They would all have a little snowball fights together, which always resulted with them in a big pile of limbs, laughing.

Things were simpler then, but there comes a time when you realize that your family isn't what you once thought it was. You tend to put the people you love on a pedestal, which results with you feeling jaded. Clare often wondered how everything went down so quickly. Wasn't it last year when they all watched a movie together? Wasn't it last year when they would have family dinners?

_Wasn't it just last year that they were happy?_

Clare brushed the tears away. It felt odd to cry in front of people, even thought no one was paying attention to her. She didn't like crying, she thought that it made her weak.

_Showing your emotion doesn't make you weak, it makes you stronger. _

"Are you alright?"

Clare jumped slightly at the voice. She looked over and there was a little old lady who was sharing the bench that Clare was sitting on. Clare hadn't even noticed her. The older woman put her delicate hand on Clare's cheek, as if to say "Everything is going to be alright."

_Are you alright?_

_Are you alright?_

"No." She then took off running, with the elder woman worrying about her mental stability.

An epiphany. It can come anytime about any situation. And today, Clare Edwards had one.

* * *

After running away from the park she started running to his house. Clare was scared. She realized why she hadn't cried in front of him. She was scared that she would be too much for him. Clare was fightened that Eli would tell her to go away and to never come back if she cried.

_"Stop your cryng, Clare. No one's going to love you if you cry." Helen Edwards said as she walked in with another man._

But Clare realized that if someone doesn't love you because you have baggage, then they don't deserve you. If someone won't stick with you through the darkness then they aren't worth it. Clare deserved 'I love you's' and kisses and hugs. She needed stability.

_Knock._

_Knock._

_Knock._

Each knock on his door made her heart pound with anxiety. Maybe she shouldn't do this. Maybe she should go home and wait for him to come to her. Maybe-

Eli opened the door, looking slightly disgruntled. He then saw who the intruder was. He was obviously displeased, which cause a stab of pain to pierce Clare in the gut.

He rolled his eyes at the girl in front of him. "Look Clare, I'm not in the mood to talk. I would like it if you went home."

She pushed him aside and walked in, and turned to him. "To tell you the truth, Eli, I don't give a shit on what you want me to do. I need to speak to you."

His green eyes widened at her bluntness and her stubborn attitude. She really was a spitfire. I lovely, passionate spitfire...

She walked into his house and made her way through the living room. Clare sat on the couch and hinted with her eyes that he should do the same. Eli awkwardly sat down.

"Why weren't you in school?" Clare asked quietly, biting her lip.

Eli sneered meanly. "What are you? My keeper?"

Clare's blue eyes blazed at his tone, her pink lips turned into a a deep scowl. "You have absolutely no right to talk to me like that, do you understand? I deserve respect, the respect I give you."

Eli cringed at the anger in her voice...maybe he had gone too far...?

"Did it ever occur to you that maybe I care about you? I'm asking because I care about you, is that such a problem?," Clare waited to see if he said anything. He didn't. ",I didn't think so, but to be angry with you wasn't the reason why I came."

Eli's eyebrow raised. "What is the reason?"

Clare sighed and blushed. "I just wanted to see if you were alright..."

Eli's face softened. Just when he thought that she couldn't get more wonderful...

His face then hardened. He didn't deserve her. She would end up like Julia, dead.

"You should go." Eli said quietly, getting up.

Clare's eyes flashed with anger. "What is your problem? Do you enjoy hurting me? Do enjoy the fact that everything you say brings me tears? Is this just a big joke to you?"

Eli shook his head. "No! You know how the saying goes, 'You hurt the ones you love'"

Clare's head shook back and forth, making her curls sway. "No, you don't just hurt the ones you love, you _destroy_ them."

Eli's eyebrows pulled together as he sank into deep thought. His teeth bit his slightly chapped bottom lip.

"I'm sorry," Eli spoke quietly, trying to stop his voice from shaking. ",You feel like home to me. I put all my weight on you and you just carry it. I don't deserve it at all but I just feel so comfortable with you. You seem to always accept me no matter what I do, and I don't understand that. I-"

Clare opened up her mouth to speak but Eli held up his hand to silence her.

"But you don't understand what it's like to watch everything in your life fall apart." At this, Eli looked up at her.

He was very surprised to see her angry expression.

"I don't understand? How would you know? You haven't asked me about my life in months!," Clare's voice started rising, all her anger that she had been feeling in the past six months was coming out. "Did you know that my parents got divorced? Did you know that my dad moved to the states and I haven't spoken to him since? Did you know that my mom doesn't come home for weeks and when she does, she's drunk off her ass and has a sleazy guy following right behind her? No, you don't know. You don't know anything. Open up you eyes, Elijah! You're not the only one suffering!" Clare's voice cracked at the end.

_"You're not the only one suffering"_

_Maybe she did understand..._

_Maybe those blue eyes were holding more pain than he had thought..._

They started to talk. This time, Clare talked about what was happening in her life. She liked the feeling of opening up to someone and trusting them. She now knew why Eli had given all his pain to her, it was easy. It was easy to give someone all your weight, especially if you could then run away. Clare liked how Eli looked at her while she spoke. It was almost as if it was just them in the world, alone. It was like there were no parents or dead ex-girlfriends to think about, it was just them. Eli laughed at all the right moments and added snarky comments that made Clare's mouth twitch. Suggestive comments came out of his mouth, making Clare blush madly.

_This felt right._

* * *

They were about to get up and go out to get coffee when Clare noticed something in the back of Eli's back pocket. A corner of a bag poked out and it made Clare suspicous. She swiftly reached and grabbed the bag. She held the bag in her had, shock apparent on her face. Eli's face was wary as his girlfriend held his shameful addiction. Clare bit her lip and kept her head down, Eli just wanted to see the expression in her eyes.

Her head snapped up after a couple of moments and her blue eyes narrowed dangerously.

"What is this?" She spit out, as she held the bag of his crushed up substance in the air.

"It's-uh-it's..."

"What is wrong with you?" Her scream echoed throughout the big house. She had never screamed like that in her life. Anger pulsed in her veins and made her head spin.

"This kills people!," Her face dropped at the realization and her voice cracked. ", Is that the point? To kill yourself? Do you not want to exist anymore?" She was close to tears as she looked at him. His mop of black hair covered his face.

"Do you...do you know what that would do to people if you died? Bullfrog? CeCe? Adam? _Me? _You can't die. You're the only things that makes me want to live. " Her body trembled and she spoke as if she was out of breath.

Eli still didn't speak.

"_We_ love you. _We_ care about you. _We_ want the best for you. And this-," Her finger pointed at the bag. ",and this is complete shit. This is an escape now, but you can't escape forever. You can't run from youself forever. I've tried. Everyone has tried. Ask anyone and they'll agree with me. You can't hide from your past, Eli. It will catch up with you and completely knock you over."

Eli picked up his head. Tears were streaming down his face as he bit his lip. Clare's fragile heart broken in two.

In a split second, their bodies were intertwined in a hug. Sobs coursed through both of their beings, as their broken hearts and minds continued to throb. Their grip on each other increased with every breath they took, they both believed that if they blinked their significant other would be gone. With just one touch, they were able to feel each other's emotions. With just one feel, they were able to slowly heal each other. Slowly, but surely.

Clare had then realized that she was crying. In front of him.

_And it felt good._

"I hate myself." He croaked,as her hands rubbed his stiff back.

Clare sighed softly and untwisted herself from his grip. She grabbed his chin so they could see eye-to-eye.

"I know you do, but I love you. I think you're wonderful and beautiful and lovely. As corny and cliche as it sounds, you mean the world to me. If you saw yourself in the light that I see you in, you'd be blinded by your beauty,"She paused for a moment, thinking.",Though, I guess it's good that you don't see yourself that way. You'd fall in love with yourself, and who likes a conceited person anyway?" Clare giggled quietly and she felt a rumble of laughter came from the boy in front of her.

"But...please don't give up. You...you're the sea that I float on. Without you, I'd drown. Without you-"

Eli shook his head roughly. "No, no, no. You'd be better without me. You'd be healthier and happier, and you'd be _you. _I bring you down. I'm not the sea. I'm the seaweed that pulls you down into the abyss. I don't deserve you at all. "

Clare smiled sadly. "I'm not going to lie, my life would definetly be less hectic without you in it, but would I be happier? _No. _I didn't what the true definition of happiness was before I met you. My whole life I've felt numb and indifferent, but with you I feel alive. For once in my life I feel like I _belong," _Clare tucked a piece of his hair behind his ear. ", Life is the seaweed. And you are the sea that helps me float."

Eli looked at her, almost as if this was the first time that he looked at her. Her cheeks were rosy and her nose was small. Her dark lashes made her blue eyes shine even more. He felt her small hands mold their way into his body. He felt her love shoot from her smile. Clare's dimples popped even more than usual as she looked at him. Being with her made him feel human, made him feel like he was complete.

Now, it was his turn to have an epiphany.

"You're my wonderwall."

Wonderwall: The word that CeCe told to use when he had finally found _the one._

_"A wonderwall holds you up. It tells you when you have to get your act together. The person or animal-...What? Some people are into beastiality-will be the only one you see. They are the one." CeCe said as she gazed lovingly at Bullfrog._

He had never used that word before. And nothing had ever felt more right.

Eli buried his head into her shoulder, not wanting to ever move or let go.

With Clare Edwards, the girl that he absolutely adored and loved, by his side, he could do anything. He could survive the world ending. He could survive anything that was thrown at him, just as long as the curly haired beauty by his side.

They could conquer the world together.

And they will, just give them time.


End file.
